8:23 PM
the day started at 1047 for her.
late, she thought.
since she was supposed to be going to get her lost wallet in the early morning..
she asked her mother, and her mother replied to her that Ang Mo Kio POlice station would only be open at 2pm. she would have to follow her mother to her school to buy her sisters' books. She didnt like that. She needed to go to Beach Rd to get some stuff for the next day. But in the end, she figured that it doesnt matter much. She went to her room and tried some clothes she would like to wear for her outing. Not that she was meeting anybody. She just wanted to move away from the usual normal and boring clothes she has to wear all the time. She thought abt what she wanted to wear for that day...Jeans, that Brown long sleeves shirt, that light brown carf, that blue denim brooch.. Sadly, she realised as she put on that brown shirt, it hugs her body. Actually that shirt was condemmed my her mother and none of her sisters were allowed to wear it either. She looked into the mirror at her relection. She took of her glasses. Let her hair down. And she put on her jeans. She looked at the reflection again.
It is tight. Okay not tight but body-hugging. Mom will kill me. Oh wells, maybe i should have put this on for the dinner. Its nice. A belt and a necklace would finish up the job well. But, its over. I can only look into this mirror. And like most of the things i wish i did, this would be one of them.
She continued looking at herself. Not ogling or whatever but she mind went further away. She focused herself back, she looked at herself. She liked her curves. She gets compliments abt her body some times. Her body just needed toning. She only didn't like her arms. Too long of not training herself made her that way. She took off that blouse. Put it away, looks at it, left it there and changed back to her t-shirt and pants. She still had a few hours before she was going off.
A small bowl of Mee Siam, breakfast+lunch. She retreated back to her room, finshing her book. One Door Away from Heaven by Dean Koontz. Her sister comes into her room, disturbed her and took away her blue Esprit, dumping all her important things on the table. She got angry, but her sister had already left, with her Esprit pouch/bag wadeva. She didnt give her permission at all.
She was ironing her sister's denim skirt. She was going to wear it. Her mother stopped her. She said back that her sis wore it before. Her mother said it was okay for her sister but not her. Why? Her ass.
She started to hate her curves. Now she realised. Why? Why is it that all this while she felt so ugly. Why is it that all this while she had put on ugly clothes when she could have gotten better ones. Why is it that she didnt bother to look good any more. Why is it that whenever she got complimented, she would bite her lip and wonder if they were sincere compliments. Why is it she hated herself so much. Why she always felt ugly.
She grabbed anything that she could find to wear. She wanted to just settle for that m]phosis light brown dress but then she did a totally different thing, she took the new dress her sis had bought, dumped it on and paraded out and grabbed whateva scarf. She did not want to wear that jean+long sleeve ugly blouses ever any more. She knew what she wanted to wear. She really wanted a whole new wardrobe for herself. She went out feeling good.
She was in the car, filling herself with the music from her phone. She had forgiven her sister for taking the blue Esprit without her permission. She hated how she left her stuff lying like that though. It was just so rude. She clicked to the next song.
Her sister is a bitch.
Bitter anger. So much so she wanted to torture her in some way. She was thinking of all the ways she wanted to kill this asshole. asshole. thats usually the most she would curse. Yet she cursed her worst than that. She hated her. She bit her lip. Then she knew. The worst ever way is not to throw away her laptop charger or reveal that she was a smoker to her mother. She knew, God's power is better than any that she could do.
Oh god, please..
she hesitated.
she remembered what she had learnt.
again, she prayed
oh god, please make yanah be a better person and that she stop hurting people and she wld stop smoking
she hated being so good. she didnt feel better after that. just a lot more bitter. it almost made her cry. she felt stupid.
She went to the police station with her mother. The valuables were lost. Money and Ezlink. She was just glad she got back her nric. And she was glad she didnt make a new one last thursday. going back to the car, she had to go through lakes and rivers. She wished she wore high heels.
For once, ferroro rocre didnt cheer her up. she went on her way to lavendar. Skipping so many fo the songs she was so sick of, she was finally there. Standing all the way from yio Chu kang to Lavendar, wasnt too hard a task.after a long time, she smiled. She was walking to beach rd army market. She liked that area. Reminded her of sweet things. And it had a lot of Cats! she smiled. Ferrero rocre was still not the cause. Beach Rd can be full of Robbers. well, she remembered being warned, just that she needed to be fast. She almost got trapped to buying something totally unreasonable but she just said no when the price was told. She moved on. buying all she needed. she didnt feel regret of what she gave away. she earned more than those things she gave anyways. walking down the stairs, she opened her umbrella. A coin dropped from her purse. She picked it up.
shit. im left with $1.90... shit. i need to take the mrt. shit.
she walked to the mrt station. as she had dreaded and suspected, it would take her more than how much she had to at least send her back to Boon Lay Mrt. She called her mother.
"i dunno how you going to go home. you figure out yourself. im not going to fetch you."
her mother said that. Her aunt was with her mother. And her aunt called her to tell her maybe theres a bus around or anything. She whispered a thanks. Her day went from okay, to bad, to worst. She was a little scared. But she herself wanted to fiure it out herself. Inside, she felt excited. She had always like being lost. Every since she was young, she would try to make herself lost. Run away from home. She always wanted to explore, maybe. But whe knew, she liked being lost and somewhat -free.
One name came to her mind. But she smsed another at first, but no reply. She needed somebody to be there. to lend her 80cents. She hit herself on her head for being so stupid in buying. She smsed the other. The reply was saddening. But she felt so alone, she felt happy to get a reply. she was still bitter from earlier. she knock her head lightly, the usual she does when she feels stupid. She received a call. She was happy. She felt that she was a stupid dumb dumb, but she felt happy. Somehow she didnt feel bitter at all. she almost got lost looking for the bus stop but throughout that, she realised, before this, she was listening to a song and gritting her teeth to it. but then, she was mouthing the song she was listening to light-heartedly. she was happy. it was raining. she turned to the song "I talk to the rain". she couldnt tell how to blog about the music that suited the time. she hummed to the music. mostly in japanese, but she liked it. she smiled. She was happy.
bus 51
she glanced at her watch. its never possible to know the exact time looking at her watch. 535pm, she estimated.
i need a soldier, that aint scared to stand up for me
she smiled and thought
i need a soldier, that can lend me some freaking 80cents...
redhill passed. she was focused at that time. she glanced at her watch again. half an hour has passed. she took note of the time to see whether it will be worth it for her ti ever take bus 51 from there to JE. she was awake the whole time. partly because she didnt wan to miss out the areas she was going to go thru in case she gets lost, and also because of the water dripping on her left. she stayed at her seat like a statue. its rare for her to be holding on to tissues but she thanked god she did. she shivered. she had already reached JE. right before she got up, she wondered if she could walk at all. one and a half hours in the cold. and hour from her school to JE suing bus 51. not worth it. throughout it, she realises the blister she got. walking and the cold and wet. mostly from the wet, she thought. there was water creeping up her leg. thats because of her jeans, it was getting wet. she got out of the bus, and walked more. she was glad she wasnt wearing heels.
bus 99. she paid for this ride more than twice she paid for the first. it took her an hour. she got home, and not very glad about it, and changed. it was some day....
gahh...
Wednesday, December 27, 2006
me.
12:00 PM
ok.. i forgot to add in abt meeting Sir Shamsul when we were watching the movie dejavu.. actuallly after we watched then we met him.. he was like "eh, are you guys from USA?" then we were like "ahhhhh!! shamsul!.." blah blah.. then mc kelvey was like omg.... hahah *sparkles*... then coz they started to talk among themselves, i talk to sir shamsul la.. he came for one meeting i remember but then after that MIA all the way... aiyah he instructor for CLT course la.. yeah.. then he go watch movie and we went back to camp...
and anyway nc last two days,.. was to tired to blog abt it but now i ok... anyway had quest + dirty olympics... quite okay la.. except it was raining ... drizzle drizzle then dry then wet again.. well all of us were pretty much wet already la... the part as.. i remember her name but shall not totally blacklist her, she say wad she and her pltnmate say i look like a good target... NEVER give them water guns to hold i tell you! haha.. well actually its because they like were like looking a me then when i look at them they got guilty look then i asked them why la.. gosh... then helped the part bs by lending them my gun (bigger then the ones they got for a while) to shoot at Christina.. hahaha... but its all good... and before and after that Shermain was massaging my back.. dunno la.. so pain.. thanks darling ;} .. i think coz the day before got pds and i was doing a lot of freefall... then like my shoulders hurt. .. put on that muscle ache cream until like the room so smelly..
then after that had pds.. yeah.. okay la.. got the timing in my head now.. freefall again but didnt totally put too much effort in that coz if not ill get muscle ache again..
then yesterday.. got back home from night class then like go two good news!
- there wont be night class next week!!! my chances of being able to go for that BBQ is a tiny bit higher!!! but to make things better, i have to finsh up my hmks then yeah!! and if it can get better, lets pray it starts in the afternoon or so and not in the evening or else i wont be able to come! ;}
- i found my WALLET!!!!!!! ok i dint find it but it was reported to the Ang Mo Kio Police station by some kind soul ;}... thank god i didnt go and make ic on thursday! gosh... when i got that letter right, i was like tearing the letter la... as in not the letter but the envelope... hahaha... yay!!! alhamdulillah... ok im hyper now!!! well i can remember my mom like gettiing to angry at me and even hitting me and slapping me la.. oh wells, doesnt matter now.. im gonna get my wallet soon... wohooooo.;}}}}
ok la.. i think thats all for now... sir wilson passed me pics but i dunno if shld upload it here.. ill wait till i got MORE pics then yala... haha... ok gtg... ;}
dayahhhh
mostly my closest peeps call me by that.... dayahh...
and its hidayaHHHHHHHH not hidayaTTTTTT
;}
Saturday, December 23, 2006
me.
5:56 PM
Gahhh..
had pds training just now... wah..
not too bad la..
i can catch up with stuff quite okay..
like so the long nvr see my platoonmates... haha
gosh.. have to write so many letters of excuse also..
told my platoonmates abt me bring girlish and like
debbie went like "you ARE a bimbo.."
haha..
well i AM girlish..
just lazy to look like one...
as in most of the time also i prefer tough stuff..
like fighting? yep...
fought ever since i was p1..
even before that actually..
guys bully me, i hit them back..
even tho i was a vce monitress.. ahahha
memories...
then after that, had my hair tied up like french braid..
nice! i like.. hehe...
abigail help me do..
nice ah..
cam whoring as bimbos with ABIGAIL< GADD anD LIXINN after that..
haha.. that was funny..
maybe shld put up the pics here...
haha..
NO
nABB is a beetle...
haha
her hair..
grow so much she looks like the BEETLES..
the old band pple wadeva...
haha...
then after that went to NP ..
check if my wallet returned..
NOpe..
sadd...
but i shall be optimistic and remember the good times of that day! beFORE i lost my wallet
me winning against snr benjamin in airhockey by like 1:7
haha..
sir jason.. he got offered to be a model... wow..
haha
playing all the games
getting a bit freaked out by the zombie thingy..
playing the basketball thingy..
haha..
okla.. thats enough..
goshh.. where are all the pics and videos mann
sIR JOnathan!!!! heheh
and ya... i like this
- 6-8pm Fast and furious tokyo drift
- 8-10pm (another movie)
- 10-12pm Naked Jonathan... hahahahahahah
Jonathan...haha..
we were listing out the movies we were gonna watch in the ops room btw.. haha...okla.. byuez!
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Wednesday, December 20, 2006
me.
9:51 AM
that waS A LONG POST abt m being girlish.. well it was once in a lifetime... more fond memories coming up in this post!
- me and rupini so early in the airport to find out that the UK flight was delayed by 12 hours
- being afraid with rupini in the khatib camp.. so much so that we were like holding hands and rupini was like saying "scared scared scared" when a real ghost appeared in front of us and rupini screamed and fell to the floor..
haha actually it was just Sir james and rupini was on the floor not fainted but just squat.. haha... was laughing like hell after that
- me being in the maxicab with Col. Bartels and wife and three other (Bigler, Banker and Mozzo)
- me being afraid at night at the camp coz i was waitning for rupini.
- sir wilson make me feel worst after that haha..
- me being afraid of the dark for the first few days there..i ran and squeled my way up..
- me being left all alone one night coz rupini booked out.
- me praying at night
- the bed...
- dreaming that i was in icep inbound all the time
- waking up wondering why the ceiling is so far away (i sleep in the upper bunk on the bunk bed i share with my sis)
- feeling so great coz i could fit into the jeans!
- replying everything to ma'am Norain in english when she was talking to me in malay
- eating the camp food
- runnning so much
- worrying so much
- i am gonna miss this one ... having a flat tummy! haha
- going up 10 flights of stairs
- being called ma'am
- going to all that places
- listening to the weird (different) way of the Bruneians speaking malay
- waking up to see everyone....
- going to the common room
- seeing the guys play crazy stuff
-then sir aaron so gay.
- and like sir wilson saying this "is he rape me, ill -wadeva- the paintball thingy thingy.. " hehhe cant remember..
- and sir jason "you wan me to screw you?!" to sir aaron... hahaahhahaha
- sir aaron "nola.. he's (sir jason) my one and onli" hahahahahahaha
- going to the merlion..
- the best part abt merlion... i was looking thru the security camera coz i thought it was the binoculars... and even better... sir lu jie did the same thing!! hahaahha...
- eating at long johns
- treating myself to a McDonalds breakfast (onli $3.40.. i was f-ing broke!) after i recce PS for money changer =)
- booking out of camp the first time so late at night... i remembered la.. so scared.. then when i was sitting outside.. sir wilson was just booking in.. then the guard hse guy was like talking to me ... tell me to be careful... must shout if anything happens.. shout "help!" or something.. hahah
- people guessing my age and go WHAT when it tell them im 15
- punching Johnson
- punching Bigler
- lstening and talking to Carbone
- shopping with Mc Kelvey and Tamasa
- the MIA at the train.. Mc Kelvey la.. worried me to death that i didnt even hit Mozzo back after he poked me..
- the movie DEJAVu
- the icep dinner!!
- the cha cha!
- the NZ performance! XDDD
- me punching WEe WEe.. (i kept on thinking that he is a snr.. fairus also.. aiyah.. just didnt wan to like be rude coz i cant remember who is who so i just made things easier for myself hat i just called everybody as my snr.. snr benjamin.. confused him with wee wee..)
- me getting high that night until like sir wilson also like " you so high tonight ah" (i never eat or drink anything wrong la.. hahaha)
- the last day when we went to life range.. ran abt all the time
- helped pple with their helmets..
- they eat durian i go away
- going for CLT POP
- seeing the snrs and ma'ams.. onli two snr went for clt course.. ma'am Hazimah and ma'am Aisyah
- then US danced at one point..
- india somehow got into the dance... they totally chose the wrong song mann..
- in the middle of the night at 0130 am... writing notes for them
- died in the middle and go woken up by carbone and tamasa .. they were hugging me and yea.. so sad la.. rupini didnt go.. she was oo tired after sending off uk..
- at the airport.... Clark gave me a hug... bigler is too stiff.. the the Queen gave me her choker.. mc Kelvey was crying... Elizabeth was hugging me a lot.. sighh.. gave them some of my stuff.. didnt haf enough time to write notes for everybody....
sighh.. i pretty much summarised everything already... haha okay la... ill be back with more... i wan to like surf around and find the others' blogs and stuff.. hehe ok...
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Friday, December 15, 2006
me.
10:43 PM
ICEP INBOUND
how fast time flew... dammit! i wish it was longer.. you know... the whole icep inbound made me do a LOT of things .. as in do it for the first time... and im glad for most of it... let me list them down..
first time
losing so many things (wallet-inside got my ic and stuff , my scorpion pendant - i think i lost it coz i cant find it so far, my specs - it drowned in the sentosa beach)
learning more fighting moves
going to places like
night safari
the other part of sentosa
singapore air base
going to khatib camp
having to worry so much for my 'cadets'
seeing so much yaoi!!!! XDDDDD (ok not the seriously one la.. just play play)
having so much fun with CLTs
going to Long JOhn SIlvers after a LONG time
watching a movie after a LONG time
seeing sir aaron so high
seeing snr devesh so high
hearing so many swearing words at one time (aar)
and the best part
becoming so GIRLISH.... hahahah got LONG story abt that!! shall i tell the whole story? ok i shall!!
firstly i KNOW i very boyish and like 'hard core' and stuff.. theres never really a time i dress up and stuff... but i am totally straight... ok anyway here goes... starting of ICEP inbound, my hair was kept up, tihgt and neat.. then i started to let it just leave down.. my US pple made me keep it down.. haha... kinda because rupini was playing with my hair ended up me having my hair like ponytail side ways.. funny... anyway then after that .. my specs was gone... well it drowned.. so like yeah.. got comliments coz my hair was down and i didnt have my specs.. a bit painful for my eyes but yeah... hhahah...
then after that.. was the free and easy the whole day la..so like they went to church in the morning as me and S/CLT Wilson went to eat at long john..talk talk talk talk... talk abt him being a lupe/dupe or wadever la... then me.. i too boyish..hahaha.. he said he talk to me he forgets im a girl..or something like that.. like he thinks i like bung or somehting.. HAHAAHA... then i shld like 'zheng' (spl?) myself.. or else ill never get a bf... HAAHHAAHA.. funny.... as in ya... im not even thinking of getting one.. but yeah.. as in i have to make myself be more feminine ... coz later ill be an old woman with nobody... haha... well... just to amuse myself and others, i did it.. as in be girlish... lady like wadeva... for the icep dinner la.. haha
anyway.. i put on the white dress.. but i wore a pair of pants.. without my scarf i feel bad enough.. got presuaded to take it off by mckelvey, carbone, gordon and elizabeth.. they took away my jeans after i took it off to show i look like in the dress minus the jeans... well.. they finally gave up coz i was so stubborn.. but i put on a black (navy blue actually) pants (carbone's.. i cant believe i could fit into it!) and yeah.. and i cant believe it!! the girls bought me a pair of earringS!!!i cant believe it! and its so cute!!! so nice.. so .. GIRLISH... haha...so sweet of them.. matched my dress too! just one thing missing.. the belt.. troubled rupini with the sash but ended up not using it.. SORRY!! but yeah.. it was all good.. the girls were like so shocked to see me dress up.. and like i was wearing a bit of make up too.. haha... funny...
then i went down the stairs.. the first to see me was CLT Lu Jie.. asked me to hurry the Indian cadets.. half ran and half hopped up the stupid stairs and then ya la.. he didnt comment anything on my dress so nvm.. moving on... Wee Kian was the first to give a reaction .. he was like "HIdayaaaa".. or something like that.. hehe.. funny la him... haha.. then like then i jsut sat down in the bus... then like sir wilson sat like beside.. as in separated by the aisle but yea then he was like looking at me la.. haahah.. then to make things better... i called him and passed to him the 10 bux i owe him and i for the first time (yay! another first time) spoke so nicely.. as in so sweetly.. as in i consider it that way la... then he took the money.. looked at me another time and i just asked him "sir, 'zheng' enough?" nodded and gave me a thumbs up.. Yay! hahahahaha... then reactions from CLT Jason.. actually if im not worng it was S/CLT Aaron that started.. like he turn back and like say "eh hidayah?" or somthin like that and like Sir jason was like "EH! i thought you one of the cadets! " hahahaha.. nice... haha... then SNr Devesh's comment "Looking good".. yay! mission to surprise pple, success! ahahhaahahah... then like ma'am bartels was like "you both (rupini and me) cleaned it up good!" hahaha.. and i received a flower from Clark! =] hahaha... happy.. ehhe...
ok wells.. a lot of things happened other tahn taht... im missing all of them now... ElizaBETHHHH! hahah... yeah.. the whole lot of them... and im gonna misss seeing sir aaron so high... hahahaha.. oh wells.. tired right now... and eliza BETHHHH waiting for me to finsh posting... ahahah... oh wells.. ill be back with more!!
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Thursday, December 14, 2006
me.
10:28 PM
ok.. like i haven been posting coz i wanted to put up my previous post longer .. hahaha
anyway..onli got one night left... tmw ill be going to khatib camp by 10 am when i should go there by 10 pm.. for fun la.. the UK pple will be arriving MUCH earlier and i going to disturb Rupini and play with them first.. haha.. and im going taht early also because i dun relaly know how to get to khatib camp... haha.. well they say get to khatib mrt and walk... walk where?... walk to khatib camp.. not very useful but yea.. worst come to worst ill take a taxi and just drop off la.. but in my journey in the taxi i shall remember to take note my surroundings.. yeah.. so i can walk the next time..
im nervous.... although i know the US officers-in-charge, i dunno how to really receive them.. like .. well... i dunno! like although i shall be very friendly and such, i also have to be firm and like you know.. really have to control them... before they get into trouble.. ok.. sounds like as if they are like my cadets.. like as if thats my own platoon... hahaha.. yeah... ill probably be putting a lot of my 'leadership skills' to work here.. for once i shall feel like a NCO.. haha... crapp..
but yeah... i have to be one that has a lot of knowledge.. crap i stupid.. like if they asks qns, ill haf to answer.. tho i can like delay the answer, i am expected to be knowledgable... like qns abt singapore.. grrr... help! haha.. that swhy i so kan chiong.. haha... no.. im not kan chiong.. im CONCERNED... hahah.. lets just hope they dun ask too many qns okay ;}.. and even if they do.. lets pray it wld be something which i wld know of.. hehe... like ncc stuff....
anyway there's a lot of stuff lined up.. fun stuff... and i may (most probably) get to get on the C130 !! hehehe... ok im not even sure how that will be but yeah!.. and can you believe it... they are like going night safari.. sentosa.. shopping.. really holiday mann... i wan to bring them to my neighbourhood... can wad.. then show them my playgrounds... hehe..or bring them to my school you know?.. but there wont be anything mcuh at all...
good thing i can book out and go back home once in a while during the camp.. at night la i book out... and shall be witnessing the 52nd CLT POP... not bad ah?.. haha... dunno la.. haiz... oh shit.. one last thing....
grrr...
homework
Saturday, December 02, 2006
me.