8:23 PM
the day started at 1047 for her.
late, she thought.
since she was supposed to be going to get her lost wallet in the early morning..
she asked her mother, and her mother replied to her that Ang Mo Kio POlice station would only be open at 2pm. she would have to follow her mother to her school to buy her sisters' books. She didnt like that. She needed to go to Beach Rd to get some stuff for the next day. But in the end, she figured that it doesnt matter much. She went to her room and tried some clothes she would like to wear for her outing. Not that she was meeting anybody. She just wanted to move away from the usual normal and boring clothes she has to wear all the time. She thought abt what she wanted to wear for that day...Jeans, that Brown long sleeves shirt, that light brown carf, that blue denim brooch.. Sadly, she realised as she put on that brown shirt, it hugs her body. Actually that shirt was condemmed my her mother and none of her sisters were allowed to wear it either. She looked into the mirror at her relection. She took of her glasses. Let her hair down. And she put on her jeans. She looked at the reflection again.
It is tight. Okay not tight but body-hugging. Mom will kill me. Oh wells, maybe i should have put this on for the dinner. Its nice. A belt and a necklace would finish up the job well. But, its over. I can only look into this mirror. And like most of the things i wish i did, this would be one of them.
She continued looking at herself. Not ogling or whatever but she mind went further away. She focused herself back, she looked at herself. She liked her curves. She gets compliments abt her body some times. Her body just needed toning. She only didn't like her arms. Too long of not training herself made her that way. She took off that blouse. Put it away, looks at it, left it there and changed back to her t-shirt and pants. She still had a few hours before she was going off.
A small bowl of Mee Siam, breakfast+lunch. She retreated back to her room, finshing her book. One Door Away from Heaven by Dean Koontz. Her sister comes into her room, disturbed her and took away her blue Esprit, dumping all her important things on the table. She got angry, but her sister had already left, with her Esprit pouch/bag wadeva. She didnt give her permission at all.
She was ironing her sister's denim skirt. She was going to wear it. Her mother stopped her. She said back that her sis wore it before. Her mother said it was okay for her sister but not her. Why? Her ass.
She started to hate her curves. Now she realised. Why? Why is it that all this while she felt so ugly. Why is it that all this while she had put on ugly clothes when she could have gotten better ones. Why is it that she didnt bother to look good any more. Why is it that whenever she got complimented, she would bite her lip and wonder if they were sincere compliments. Why is it she hated herself so much. Why she always felt ugly.
She grabbed anything that she could find to wear. She wanted to just settle for that m]phosis light brown dress but then she did a totally different thing, she took the new dress her sis had bought, dumped it on and paraded out and grabbed whateva scarf. She did not want to wear that jean+long sleeve ugly blouses ever any more. She knew what she wanted to wear. She really wanted a whole new wardrobe for herself. She went out feeling good.
She was in the car, filling herself with the music from her phone. She had forgiven her sister for taking the blue Esprit without her permission. She hated how she left her stuff lying like that though. It was just so rude. She clicked to the next song.
Her sister is a bitch.
Bitter anger. So much so she wanted to torture her in some way. She was thinking of all the ways she wanted to kill this asshole. asshole. thats usually the most she would curse. Yet she cursed her worst than that. She hated her. She bit her lip. Then she knew. The worst ever way is not to throw away her laptop charger or reveal that she was a smoker to her mother. She knew, God's power is better than any that she could do.
Oh god, please..
she hesitated.
she remembered what she had learnt.
again, she prayed
oh god, please make yanah be a better person and that she stop hurting people and she wld stop smoking
she hated being so good. she didnt feel better after that. just a lot more bitter. it almost made her cry. she felt stupid.
She went to the police station with her mother. The valuables were lost. Money and Ezlink. She was just glad she got back her nric. And she was glad she didnt make a new one last thursday. going back to the car, she had to go through lakes and rivers. She wished she wore high heels.
For once, ferroro rocre didnt cheer her up. she went on her way to lavendar. Skipping so many fo the songs she was so sick of, she was finally there. Standing all the way from yio Chu kang to Lavendar, wasnt too hard a task.after a long time, she smiled. She was walking to beach rd army market. She liked that area. Reminded her of sweet things. And it had a lot of Cats! she smiled. Ferrero rocre was still not the cause. Beach Rd can be full of Robbers. well, she remembered being warned, just that she needed to be fast. She almost got trapped to buying something totally unreasonable but she just said no when the price was told. She moved on. buying all she needed. she didnt feel regret of what she gave away. she earned more than those things she gave anyways. walking down the stairs, she opened her umbrella. A coin dropped from her purse. She picked it up.
shit. im left with $1.90... shit. i need to take the mrt. shit.
she walked to the mrt station. as she had dreaded and suspected, it would take her more than how much she had to at least send her back to Boon Lay Mrt. She called her mother.
"i dunno how you going to go home. you figure out yourself. im not going to fetch you."
her mother said that. Her aunt was with her mother. And her aunt called her to tell her maybe theres a bus around or anything. She whispered a thanks. Her day went from okay, to bad, to worst. She was a little scared. But she herself wanted to fiure it out herself. Inside, she felt excited. She had always like being lost. Every since she was young, she would try to make herself lost. Run away from home. She always wanted to explore, maybe. But whe knew, she liked being lost and somewhat -free.
One name came to her mind. But she smsed another at first, but no reply. She needed somebody to be there. to lend her 80cents. She hit herself on her head for being so stupid in buying. She smsed the other. The reply was saddening. But she felt so alone, she felt happy to get a reply. she was still bitter from earlier. she knock her head lightly, the usual she does when she feels stupid. She received a call. She was happy. She felt that she was a stupid dumb dumb, but she felt happy. Somehow she didnt feel bitter at all. she almost got lost looking for the bus stop but throughout that, she realised, before this, she was listening to a song and gritting her teeth to it. but then, she was mouthing the song she was listening to light-heartedly. she was happy. it was raining. she turned to the song "I talk to the rain". she couldnt tell how to blog about the music that suited the time. she hummed to the music. mostly in japanese, but she liked it. she smiled. She was happy.
bus 51
she glanced at her watch. its never possible to know the exact time looking at her watch. 535pm, she estimated.
i need a soldier, that aint scared to stand up for me
she smiled and thought
i need a soldier, that can lend me some freaking 80cents...
redhill passed. she was focused at that time. she glanced at her watch again. half an hour has passed. she took note of the time to see whether it will be worth it for her ti ever take bus 51 from there to JE. she was awake the whole time. partly because she didnt wan to miss out the areas she was going to go thru in case she gets lost, and also because of the water dripping on her left. she stayed at her seat like a statue. its rare for her to be holding on to tissues but she thanked god she did. she shivered. she had already reached JE. right before she got up, she wondered if she could walk at all. one and a half hours in the cold. and hour from her school to JE suing bus 51. not worth it. throughout it, she realises the blister she got. walking and the cold and wet. mostly from the wet, she thought. there was water creeping up her leg. thats because of her jeans, it was getting wet. she got out of the bus, and walked more. she was glad she wasnt wearing heels.
bus 99. she paid for this ride more than twice she paid for the first. it took her an hour. she got home, and not very glad about it, and changed. it was some day....
gahh...
Wednesday, December 27, 2006
me.